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Custom funny speeches for weddings, roasts, retirements, and every event you didn't want to go to in the first place. Crafted personally by Emmy-winning comedy writer Rick Mitchell.
No awkward Googling "how to be funny" at 2 AM. We handle the comedy — you handle the delivery.
Tell us about the event, the honoree, your relationship, and any inside jokes or stories. The more details, the funnier the speech. Think of it as gossip — but for a good cause.
An Emmy-winning comedy writer crafts your speech with a perfect mix of heart and humor. Real jokes. Real structure. Not some AI-generated Hallmark card with a punchline.
Get your polished speech with delivery tips, timing notes, and a pep talk. Walk up to that microphone like you were born for this. Spoiler: they'll think you were.
Hi, I'm Rick. I've spent my career making people laugh for a living — including five Emmy wins writing for The Ellen DeGeneres Show. Now I'm bringing that same comedy firepower to the speeches most people dread writing.
I co-authored How to Write a Funny Speech with legendary comedian Carol Leifer (with a foreword by Carol Burnett, no less). So when I say I literally wrote the book on this — I mean it. Literally.
Every Funny Toast speech is personally crafted by me. Not a team. Not an algorithm. Just a comedy writer who loves turning your stories into something that brings down the house.
More about Rick at RickMitchell.com →From tear-jerking wedding toasts to savage roasts, we write for every occasion that demands more than "um, thanks for coming."
Best man, maid of honor, parents
Lovingly brutal, brutally loving
Inspire them while making them laugh
Keynotes, awards, holiday parties
Milestones worth celebrating out loud
Heartfelt, funny, age-appropriate
Send them off with a standing ovation
Honor their life with laughter and love
(Okay, actually do. We're pretty proud of these.)
"I was dreading the best man speech for months. Rick turned my rambling stories into something that had the entire room crying from laughter. Even the bride's mom was wiping tears. Worth every penny."
"I'm a CEO, not a comedian. Rick wrote my company holiday party speech and people are STILL quoting lines three months later. He made me sound like I moonlight doing standup."
"My dad's retirement speech needed to be funny but also emotional. Rick nailed the balance perfectly. Dad laughed, cried, and then asked me how I suddenly got so witty. I'll never tell."
Every package includes a custom, comedian-written speech, delivery notes, and revisions. Because funny shouldn't be stressful.
Everything you need to know before you hand the funny over to us.
That's the whole art. The questionnaire and consultation digs into your voice, your stories, and your relationship with the honoree. I write in YOUR voice - just the funniest version of it. People will genuinely think you wrote it yourself (and you should absolutely take the credit).
Procrastination happens - I get it. Add rush delivery to any package: 3-5 day expedited for +$75, or 48-hour emergency for +$150. Standard turnaround is 5-7 days, but I've rescued plenty of "oh no the wedding is Saturday" situations.
Every package includes revisions. I'll tweak, adjust, and refine until you're confident. In the rare case it's not working, I'll rewrite the approach entirely. I haven't had an unhappy customer yet - and I plan to keep it that way.
That's literally my specialty. The best speeches make people laugh AND feel something. I'm not writing a standup set - I'm writing a moment. Expect heart, humor, and at least one line that makes someone whisper "that was perfect."
Five Emmys' worth, yes. I spent years writing comedy for one of the biggest shows in television. I also co-wrote a book on writing funny speeches with comedian Carol Leifer, with a foreword by Carol Burnett. So when it comes to making people laugh with words - this is quite literally what I do.
Stop stressing about your speech. Let an Emmy-winning comedy writer handle it so you can focus on what really matters - open bar strategy.
Order Your Speech →